"If you don't believe in Santa, unfriend me now."
Originally published here… in 2019.
This Christmas, we need to talk about a serious issue:
Everyone knows Santa is real. Virtually every major company from Coca-Cola to Disney acknowledges his existence. Even the US government tracks Santa with NORAD every year. These are highly reputable organizations. Are you Santa deniers saying that they’re ALL lying to us? What are you, some kind of conspiracy theorist?
Santa deniers have their own alternative facts. They publish books and documentaries about the “history” of Santa. Some claim he was invented by the Coca-Cola company, and others say he was based on a historical figure named Saint Nicholas. Uh, get your story straight, Santa deniers. Ours is clear. Watch a commercial or a Hallmark movie, or something.
These Santa deniers will get upset that we don’t respond to their “arguments.” Why would we respond to your little history channel documentaries, when there are big budget Hollywood movies about Santa? Plus, their arguments are stupid. “The mall Santa isn’t real.” Of course, Santa denier – the REAL Santa lives at the North Pole. The ones in malls are just actors (like in the movies).
Parents who deny Santa shouldn’t be allowed to send their kids to school those who do celebrate Christmas. They might spread their Santa denialist beliefs, and cause our kids not to get presents, or worse, get coal. Santa helps children around the world behave nice, instead of naughty. If I want to use Santa to make my kids act nice, that is my parental choice.
The cultural benefits of Santa outweigh any Santa denialist arguments. Accusing parents of “lying to children” when they tell them about Santa is harassment. When you say things like “Santa isn’t real,” you’re making deeply offensive anti-Christmas statements. Santa denialists are really just secret Grinches. These people are a hate group. If you don’t believe in Santa, unfriend me now.
P.S. If you’re looking for a last-minute Christmas gift, consider gifting a subscription to Hegemon Media to someone: